Friday, August 17, 2007
Opinion
Panic!
A new study from the Institute of New Studies shows that many of us are simply not able to keep up with the nonstop warnings...
A protester demonstrates at a rally against trans fats in New York City.
CREDIT: Mario Tama/Getty Images |
By Eric Von Haessler
A new study from the Institute of New Studies shows that many of us are simply not able to keep up with the nonstop warnings issued from our televisions, newspapers, favorite Internet sites, cell phone news tickers and unsolicited snail mail. So, as a public service, this week’s column is devoted to helping you stay on top of all the things that just might harm, maim or possibly kill you in the very near future. You can call it a database of despair, a nexus of neurosis or a matrix of misgiving. I call it “The Aggregate of Fear!”
Currently holding down the No. 1 spot on our personal angst index is the safety of our nation’s bridges. According to CNN, Fox News and the rest of the 24-hour hounds, we should all be deathly afraid of every bridge in America. Forget the convenient truth that you haven’t seriously considered this issue once in your life before and have apparently suffered no consequences due to your lack of attention. Since the I-35W bridge in Minneapolis/St. Paul gave way and plunged into the Mississippi River, it has now become of the utmost necessity that we all panic about the prospect that every bridge we come in contact with may, in fact, be a potential deathtrap. They’re all old, they’re all crumbling, and they’re all just waiting to kill us.
Coming in at No. 2 on the terror tally, taking the position once reserved for secondhand smoke, is the horror-inducing prospect of trans fats in your food. Who knew that can of Crisco sitting in your grandmother’s pantry all those years was a gastric time bomb just waiting to go off?
Well, now you do know, and you have a duty to join the trans fat jihad. The deadly additive must be stripped from every food item and it must be done now, before we all die fat and happy! Haven’t you heard? Obesity is an epidemic. Our children are fatter than ever. In order for parents to continue the luxury of stuffing the faces of their spawn in fast food joints rather than preparing more balanced meals at home, it is absolutely imperative that this country’s restaurants be wiped clean of the deadly unsaturated menace.
Slipping slightly from its recent perch at No. 1, but still hanging in at No. 3, is the imminent demise of the species vis-à-vis global warming. Suffice to say that the lifestyle you’re engaging in is not only shallow, it’s dooming future generations to certain drought, pestilence and eventual extinction.
Items four and five on the quick list of things-to-worry-about-even-though-there isn’t-a-damn-thing-you-can-do-about-‘em come courtesy of our friends at the History, Discovery and Science channels. If you’re not destroyed by the space rocks that are lurking about the solar system just waiting to slam into the planet with no warning (No. 4 on our aggregated list), then you’re sure to be done in by No. 5: the super volcano lying in wait just beneath the hot springs of Yellowstone National Park. When this baby blows, it’s due to cover most of the country in skin-stripping, burning ash. According to the TV specials, these calamities are set to happen either next week or a million years from now … no one’s quite sure. But it’s never too soon to panic.
The good news is that many of these same media outlets are quick to point out that we all probably overreacted to the events of Sept. 11. SP
More of Eric Von Haessler’s comments can be found at www.myspace.com/madpundit.