Sunday, November 22, 2009
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

What I think

Blane Bachelor answers your relationship questions

By Blane Bachelor

 For the past four weeks I have had a morning coffee flirt going with a random guy at the Chevron station. We see each other every few days while getting our coffee and have exchanged smiles and bits of conversation. He has initiated these flirty conversations, and I have willingly taken part. Last week, I slipped him my e-mail address, he looked at it, read it back to me, smiled, and we went our separate ways. I haven’t seen or heard from him since. What’s the deal ,do you think?—Morning Flirt Fizzle

I’m not sure what the deal is, but I do think if something happened to work out with this guy long-term, you’d have a helluva story to tell your grandkids. Just think about it: “Well, little Mikey, there was just something about how your Nana would pour that steaming Sanka into her Styrofoam cup at the gas station every day that I just knew she was the one for me!”

So it’s a bummer your morning glory seems to have left the station. My first guess at why? He’s taken. He enjoyed the buzz from your attention, but once it escalated to the possibility of something more, he freaked. And getting his caffeine fix at the Exxon across the street is easier than the prospect of facing—and, in his mind, rejecting—you.

That, or you neglected to mention that you wrote something like “You can fill up my tank anytime” along with your e-mail address, which could have scared him off just a tad.

Still, you get huge props for having the balls to put yourself out there—as well as originality points, too. Meeting someone special at a Starbucks over a double-espresso-frappa-latte-no-whip-mocha-helluva-lotta-coin-forked-over-for-a-friggin’-coffee? Giant gaping yawn. Connecting over a 99-cent cuppa joe among truckers and tweakers during morning rush hour? One for the memory bank.
Continue to keep your eyes and heart open for amour in unexpected places, and you’ll be rewarded with somebody who uses that e-mail address the next time—or asks for it in the first place.

On the way back from an outing, a cousin’s friend asked me some questions about my ongoing marriage breakup (my first breakup ever, actually). And, by the way, I reckon breakups are best handled like Band-aids: Rip them off quickly, and suffer the pain with a lot of cursing! Anyway, one of the questions was, “Is the breakup mutual?” I said, “Sorta kinda,” but I knew that was a lie, as I’m a very loyal person and would never have had the strength to sever ties.

So my question is: Are any breakups really mutual? I reckon there’s always someone who starts the process off and the other one just says, “Yeah, I felt that way, too” to save face. What do YOU think?—First Time For Everything

I think—since you so kindly asked—that there are infinite ways breakups can generally be classified in terms of collateral damage to the people involved. But overwhelmingly, they don’t tend to be mutual—unless the dew in the atmosphere has the perfect pH balance, the Earth’s axis is tilted in the ideal angle and Disney-esque pixie dust happens to sprinkle from the sky while doves flit around chirping songs about finding happiness on new horizons. In other words, mutual breakups don’t happen all that often, but when they do, they should be celebrated as miracles.

And this wasn’t part of your question, but I’m going to share what I think about it anyway. That little part about you being a “very loyal” person who wouldn’t “have the strength” to end things caught my eye. Since this is your first breakup—which is intense enough, let alone being compounded with the end of a marriage—you’re undoubtedly entering new emotional territory. I’m sure the pain is excruciating (and you have the Band-Aid part exactly right—curse like a sailor if it helps).

But, going back to that loyalty stuff, I get the feeling you may have been putting your own needs behind those of your partner and your marriage. Being a loyal person is commendable indeed, and an excellent trait to offer in a relationship. But it shouldn’t be synonymous with self-sacrifice. And if your loyalty was the primary reason you were still hanging on, then perhaps your partner did you a favor by taking action.

I hope this is something you’re beginning to grasp through the fog of the breakup, and that it can be a guiding light for the next time around. All breakups—mutual or not—can teach us plenty of valuable lessons if we let them. SP
Blane Bachelor is an Atlanta-based freelance writer and SP’s resident romance expert. Got a dating dilemma for her to answer? Submit it at  www.askabachelor.com.